Technology Problems
by Faia Ookami
Summary: Ryou found it odd that Bakura crawled into bed one night, whining that the coffee machines were after him. The next morning his kitchen was completely destroyed. BakuraRyou MarikMalik


**Technology Problems**

**BY: Faia Ookami

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**Chapter 1: Coffee Hell**

Ra-damned clock.

Ra-damned time.

Move faster!

...Bakura's face only hit the night side table his hands were resting on as the clock's hands in front of him spited him by moving even slower.

Currently, the albino yami had retired himself to staring at the unfortunate silver antique clock in his hikari's room ever since the...several accidents in the kitchen downstairs. For the longest time, Bakura was the proudest spirit in his own body, to have destroyed most of the evil spawn from Anubis before Ryou even got home from school that afternoon.

But...every inevitable doom must come for when Ryou showed up...he was at first calm, then he became madder than those hornets Bakura had gotten chased down the street and around the market with. His face even turned an unhealthy red, maybe a violet red?

Ryou drunk in the image of every single destroyed appliance: the blender broke in a million pieces, the microwave's door completely missing and it resting upside down on the floor, and the mechanical can opener was in three separate places: the sink, inside the microwave, and a random place on the floor. That was just the beginning of the mess...

Bakura just...left as Ryou exploded all over the room, yelling incoherent things that really didn't sound like Japanese curse words at all.

That is where he was now, staring at the clock so it would hurry up and let Ryou end his spirit life now. Or at least that was what Ryou did mention ten minutes after Bakura had been in his hikari's room, that he would be up when he was done 'dealing' with the kitchen mess.

But the real question here was why did Bakura attack the entire kitchen and turn Ryou into a living beet? The tomb robber pulled out the small dagger in his side pocket.

It all started...

**Flashback**

"Yami! Stop torturing Malik and let's go home!"

Bakura glanced up from where he and the blonde were currently involved in an arm resting match where Malik's arm was about two and half inches above the table. And boy, was he struggling to pull it back against the tomb robber.

For a minute straight, Bakura stared at Ryou clueless while Malik groaned, still aching to win. The albino hikari stomped over to the two only to slap his darker half on the head harshly, making him withdraw his hand. Malik snorted at Ryou, although he was glad he didn't have to just sit in that useless arm wrestling match anymore. Marik had been snacking on a pickle and peanut butter sandwich in the kitchen, so he didn't show his face during the whole beginning of the match.

They were about to leave after a fun filled night of playing video games, twister, and watching that awkward S&M make out session on tape which had caused Malik and Marik to excuse themselves for a half an hour. Ryou blushed even redder and Bakura covered his hikari's ears. No need to taint his hikari more than necessary, right?

But before they did leave, Malik has suggested that Bakura should perk up a bit before bed. A bit puzzled by this, Bakura and Ryou followed him into the kitchen. Marik stayed behind, now involved in the television set. Some guy was beating the crud out of another for no apparent reason. It was hypnotizing...

Reaching the end of the small kitchen, the still present blonde opened up a cabinet to the left of him to bring out a mug with the words, "Who's your daddy?" Placing it down to the counter, he pressed a few buttons on a large white machine that Bakura had never seen before in his 21st mortal life. He was...amazed to say the least.

Why?

Firstly, the machine made a silent grunting noise, as well as shook slightly. He only thought humans did that or the box thing when people were on it. But this thing did too, when the red light thingy was on. There were two small dials to the left of the red light, both pointing directly left. The dark brown water on the bottom turned darker and rose higher as the thick liquid poured from the top. A strange aroma filled the dimly lit kitchen, one that made him wince and smile at the same time. The whirring of the machine ceased as Malik offered him the mug of the thick brown liquid of that same aroma.

The tomb robber couldn't take his eyes away from the machine. It simply stunned him how it could make a drink that tingled your senses but at the same time grunt like a human. Sure, a human could make a drink like this but not as fast. ...It was...strange.

Turning his eyes from the machine, he noticed Malik was staring at him, waiting for him to try the scorching drink in the cup. Okay, why should he try something that Malik made, when there could be poison in there? ...Well Malik had a cup of the brew as well, so...why not?

Snorting, he raised it to his lips and swallowed a thick portion only to gasp at the heat and the weird spice as an aftertaste. Damn! It felt like consuming liquid sand, fresh from the desert, except with a little favoring. Not like he had done it, mind you.

A few chuckles from Malik met his ears, before Ryou spoke, "Bakura, maybe you should blow on it first, you know, to cool it down."

He growled, but did as told, swallowing more this time as he couldn't quite feel the scorching liquid this time. The tingle slid onto his tongue and down his throat, the burn toning itself down. Bakura decided that he liked whatever this liquid was.

Suddenly, a new voice echoed in the dark kitchen, "...so what do you think of our new coffee machine?"

All three heads turned, two albinos and one blonde, to the doorway to find the really insane one of the house who liked pickles and peanut butter standing there with a grin on his face. Malik nearly dropped his cup to run over to his Yami's arms but he restrained himself...he could always go later.

The soft voice of Ryou answered him after some time since Bakura was much too involved with his coffee to really care about Marik, "...I didn't have any, but...the style is different. Where did you get it?"

Malik replied after taking a sip, "It's a new sort of coffee machine that puts in different spices and mixes them in for you. Those dials on the left there measure out the strength...like it's on spice 3 and shake 2 right now."

The other blonde cut in, "But what will happen if we increase the shake strength?" Malik just chuckled to himself.

Ryou was about to object but he was shushed by Malik. Marik turned the shake dial all the way to ten and it become very difficult to get it there, as if ten was not supposed to even be thought of. The coffee machine began to make a whirr noise even though it was not even making coffee.

The blondes shot each other psychotic grins and Ryou backed up. Bakura stood in front of the machine, sipping away at his coffee happily and contently without a worry in the world.

Malik leaned forward to press the 'on' button before quickly running into his Yami's arms. Ryou ran behind the island the kitchen possessed as the coffee machine went mad. The top of the glass jar violently clicked against the plastic, before the cracking down the side. The machine itself spilled all its contents onto the floor as the shaking grew with time passing.

The blondes laughed and laughed. Sure, the coffee machine was burning their kitchen tiles to oblivion, but they were having a blast. Ryou shivered at the spot Bakura occupied. As the machine shook, it continued to move forward...towards him. Usually the extremely agile and very sexy Yami of his could dodge anything, but the coffee in his hands was depriving him of all abilities.

This would not bond well.

Ryou wanted to shout out to Bakura, but both Malik and Marik had covered his mouth and were groping on his behind lightly at the same time! He couldn't believe it. Completely forgetting about Bakura, Ryou struggled to get out of the hold the psychotic Egyptians had on him and his bottom.

Then it happened.

Ryou stopped struggled when he heard a large crash. He slowly looked up and neither Bakura or the coffee machine were in sight. Malik and Marik let go of him, after getting one last grope. He smacked the nearest blonde, Malik, and ran over to find his Yami.

Finding him, Ryou winced and wrapped his arms around himself at the scene he saw. His poor Yami. The coffee machine had _killed_ him!! Well, okay, you can't kill Bakura, just deform him, which ends up deforming the hikari and yea...Ryou didn't want to think about that.

Scowling at the blondes, who were still snickering away, the smaller albino moved the fragments of the broken coffee machines away from his Yami's bloody head. The sight nearly made him want to cry. He continued pulling pieces from Bakura's hair, clothes, and his arms, while saying, "Oh, be okay, be okay."

A short time later, Bakura sat up with a glare on his face. He turned it full force to the blondes who smiled sheepishly at him. He nearly growled, "What the FUCK was that?!"

Malik smiled, "My new job. Thought we'd try it out on you."

Bakura shook his head, stood up, bringing Ryou with him. Ryou, who was recently close to tears, wiped them away. The taller stomped away and slammed the door on his 'friends'. What assholes; letting that coffee machine fall on him.

**DONE FLASHBACK**

Placing his small dagger back into his second pocket, he scowled at the clock again. That night, Bakura had a total of five nightmares about coffee machines with legs coming after him. No matter what he did, the albino couldn't get rid of the nightmares. So, his brain provided him with a answer of how to. Destroy any and everything that may be any ally with the coffee machine.

That was exactly what the Yami did. He plotted and plotted for a week, making sure to watch Ryou going in and out of the kitchen where the evil Spawn of Anubis where laying in wait for him. Had to make sure the vessel was safe before carrying out all sorts of glowing revenge! Mwhaha!

This morning Ryou went to school. Normal. Bakura went downstairs. Normal.

Bakura summoned the man eater bug and with him, he destroyed the kitchen appliances out to destroy the world! In Bakura's vision, normal.

Bakura was damn pleased with himself when Ryou got home.

Of course, as Bakura recalled with a grunt, Ryou was a raving Dark Magician Girl not ready to go into heat when Ryou saw the mess. Because of that, the taller albino was fuming and wanted to leave the room he was sent to. Though Ryou was only his girly hikari, he was vicious with a frying pan, and Bakura didn't want the receiving end of that wrath.


End file.
